1/28/2010

The Negotiation

I don't know about you, but when I read the title of this post I think it sounds like the title of a movie. A movie where Mel Gibson is negotiating some sort of deal with the "bad guys", a movie where it all is great in the beginning, it gets tense in the middle and in the end everyone ends up happy. I am one of those people that loves movies with "happy endings" and I think the reason for that is I want life to go smoothly and happily. I want everyone (especially those I love) to get along and love each other well and make good decisions, but I know that is not living in reality. I know when push comes to shove that alot of times we lie and deceive and make bad choices. Instead of doing what we know is right, we do what we think will keep us out of trouble. Learning to do the "right thing" is something that happens over time and at times is taught to us. Now that I am a parent I have the privilege of navigating those "teaching moments" so that my kids grow up to know right from wrong and so that they understand just how much God loves them.
Last Friday was a normal Friday morning. I got up with the kids to get them ready for school and as I was making breakfast I noticed that child Z (named has been changed to protect the innocent) was playing with a stuffed animal I had never seen before. When I questioned child Z about it said child responded that they had gotten it with one of their Christmas gifts. I knew that this was not the case, so I tried again. "Where did you get that stuffed animal?" Child Z then said that a friend had given it said child. That would have been all fine and dandy except that Child X spoke up and explained that this friend had never seen it either. So at this point I know for a fact that Child Z is lying to me, so I do the whole motherly thing where my voice and facial expressions change (as to show that I now mean business) and I continue to question said child. "Really where did you get it?".....Child Z says nothing...."Where did you get it?"....again nothing and said child is just staring at me..."This is your last chance, where did you get it?"....the stare continues. I would love to tell you that I remained calm and collected, but that is not the case. Every time I asked the question I got more and more frustrated, my voice got a little higher and I got a little more serious. Child Z continued to look at me until I finally told said child that if they didn't start talking I would no longer be volunteering in this child's room at school. At that point the tears started flowing and Child Z fessed up, "I took it from my room at church". I questioned Child Z a few times about why said child would do such a thing and then told said child that there would be 2 consequences. One for stealing and the other one for lying. I was very disappointed that said child had chosen to steal, but I have to be honest I was ticked that said child lied about it. I can't tell you how many conversations have been had in this house about how we never lie, no matter how hard it is to tell the truth.

Fast forward about 9 hours, time delay due to Child Z being in school and conversations about what the consequences should be between Daryl and I. Child Z is then told that the consequence for stealing is that a letter of apology will be written to the person who the stuffed animal belongs to along with finding the owner and returning it, Child Z will also need to tell the teachers in the room at church what said child did and face whatever consequences where given to said child by them. I then told Child Z that the consequence for lying was that said child would not be participating in family night (which means this child lost out on having dessert and watching a movie with the rest of us). At that point the tears started to flow and before I knew it the sobs came. I finished talking with Child Z and then left said child alone to calm down and I went back to my normal routine. About 30 minutes after that I walk into the kitchen to find what you see in the picture above sitting on my counter. Child Z was trying to negotiate with me, said child was trying to give me all the money I wanted so that said child could be a part of family night. The funny part about this is that it didn't really surprise me, Child Z tends to do things like this. Child Z is what we call our negotiator, I swear someday said child could have a career in this. As cute and innovative as I thought this way I stood my ground and told the Negotiator I didn't want the money and the consequence still stood.

Now I would love to tell you that I didn't want to give in to Child Z's negotiation, that it didn't kill me to listen to said child sob upstairs while the rest of us watched a movie. Even Child Z's siblings begged me to let said child come downstairs, it just wasn't the same without this child. I stood my ground though, it was important that Child Z learned that lying will not be tolerated in this house and that you should always tell the truth no matter how hard it is. It was one of those teaching moments where it was imperative that Child Z understood that there are consequences to our actions, but that no matter what said child's actions are that my love for said child will never change. I tell my children all the time that they can't do anything to change my love for them. I truly believe that I never really "knew" God till I had children. God may not agree with the decisions we make and at times there are consequences to face but it doesn't change His love for us and for that I am grateful!