I was having dinner last night with my dad and he said to me, "did you ever think when you were growing up that your life would be like this" Of course he asked this while I was trying to keep 3 kids reigned in at Chick fila. We continued to talk about how lucky I was and what a great family we have.
The whole conversation though got me thinking about how my life is different now. I remember growing up always knowing that I would be married and have kids. I also knew growing up that I would probably never move away from this area. The last thing I thought growing up is that my mom would be by my side as I had kids, as my kids grew up and as they got married. Unfortuantely, that did not happen and the only way I can explain my life and feelings now is "different".
Right after my mom passed away I remember thinking I would never get past it, there were literally days when I thought I would not make it through the day. The feelings of loss were so intense. My feelings moved from intense all the time to intense now and then and now I would just say that life is just different. Do I still have days where my feelings of loss are intense, absolutely, but more then anything it just feels different.
I used to see my mom almost daily and if I did not see her I talked to her, we had lunch together at least once a week and she was amazing with my kids. Now neither me nor my kids have those things anymore and when someone is such a huge part of your life and then is gone everything just feels different.
It is different to hear friends talk about their moms and know that I don't have mine anymore. It is different to go out to lunch to some of the places my mom and I used to go and she is not there anymore. It is different to go see my dad at his house or at the lake and not have mom there. It is different to move into a new house and not have her there through the whole process. It is different to watch my kids grow up and not have my mom to watch right along with me. It is different that my kids will never know what it is like to have a grandma who have taken them school shopping and would be cheering them on at all their events. Life is different and basically it just sucks!
